Written by Danielle - one of Love Kiddo's lovely brand reps
Being a mum was something I always wanted in life. I knew I wanted babies and I had always been naive to how easy it was to get pregnant. I had always taken contraception as it was something that was drilled into us as teens. “If you have sex, you will get pregnant”.
So when we decided the time was right for us back in 2018 I wasn’t prepared for the journey ahead. It took us 2 years to fall pregnant with our first baby. It seemed like a lifetime and all of a sudden I had never wanted anything so badly. Trying to conceive took over my life. Endless ovulation sticks, healthy diet, positive mindset, vitamins, planned sex, unplanned sex, strain on our relationship, arguments, tears and anger.
Finally, in May 2020 I had my very first positive pregnancy test. The world was in the middle of a global pandemic and there was so much sadness, worry and uncertainty in the world. Yet here I was, the happiest I had every been, pregnant!
The happiness was unfortunately cut short 4 weeks later when I woke in the night with intense stomach cramps and heavy bleeding. I remember sitting on the toilet and I just knew.
I knew I was loosing my baby.
I travelled to hospital and due to covid restrictions I had to attend the A&E Department alone. I had never felt so scared. I was examined and sent for an ultrasound scan which confirmed that there was no longer a heartbeat and we lost our first baby at 8 weeks gestation.
I felt numb.
I was alone at the hospital when I received the news and it all feels a bit of a blur. I sat staring out of the window with tears streaming down my cheeks and the sadness I felt was unbearable. My heart was broken and I literally felt an ache in my chest. I left the hospital alone and had to return to tell my husband the news.
After a few months trying to gather myself together and find ways to heal, we decided the time was right to start trying to conceive again.
After nearly another 2 years of trying to conceive with no success I was at breaking point. When would it be my turn to be a mum? Why was this happening to us? Why was life so cruel?
We decided to speak with the GP and request fertility testing for the both of us. We were advised that our best chance of conceiving would be to have IVF. However, due to my BMI I was advised I would need to loose 4 stone to be eligible for this treatment through the NHS.
So my focus shifted. I was a woman on a mission.
I was desperate to become a mum and I would do whatever it took to get there. In January 2022 I started my calorie counting and walking 10,000 steps a day including short 10 minute workouts sometimes and hula hooping. I lost 2 stone by April 2022 and we had our fertility follow up booked for 12th May 2022.
We went away on holiday for a week before this and whilst we were away I just felt different! I had this strong gut feeling that I was pregnant but I couldn’t say it aloud because I was so scared my body was playing tricks on me and couldn’t face another heartbreak. I decided to enjoy my holiday, rest, relax and when I returned home on the 11th May 2022 I would take a test.
On the morning of 12th May 2022, the same day our fertility follow up was booked I took a pregnancy test and sure enough, within seconds, the word “pregnant” flashed up.
I sobbed. I was elated, shocked, scared, overwhelmed. So many feelings and no idea how to process them! I was pregnant, but how long for? Would the same thing happen? Would we loose this baby like our first? Maybe I shouldn’t get excited just in case! Maybe I shouldn’t tell anyone just in case?
I decided that I was going to stay as positive as I could be. I told myself, I am capable of growing and carrying this baby. I deserve this baby. We will be ok.
Sure enough, the weeks passed and every week was a milestone. At 17 weeks we found out that we were having a little girl. With every happy moment came the bittersweet thoughts of our first baby.
The feeling of guilt that we were celebrating this baby and never got to do that with our first. Every single beautiful moment always clouded with thoughts of our first baby.
This never went away.
On the 6th of January 2023 I gave birth to our beautiful rainbow baby Nancy May by emergency c-section. I have never felt a love like it the second I saw her. My heart felt complete again. Like she had repaired those broken pieces. The relief she was here safely.
We didn’t loose her. Was it a dream? Was this really happening?
I cried so many tears that day. I was a mum. I had carried and birthed my baby and she was here safe, healthy and thriving.
As I looked at her I couldn’t help but wonder about our first baby.
Would they have looked like you?
Would you be here if we didn’t loose the first?
They are always in my mind and I am reminded of that loss every day.
I wanted to share these thoughts in case anyone else is going through or has gone through the same thing. It isn’t easy to experience pregnancy after loss. It is hard to enjoy and savour all the special times when you are so frightened that it could all end in a second.
My first baby will always be remembered but we are blessed with our rainbow baby and I intend to cherish every second with her.
She is everything we dreamed of and more.